Week Recap: 26/07/15

Oy vey. I’m feeling sad this evening.

Monday to Friday felt pretty good this week; pretty intuitive, cheerful eating. I ate for enjoyment, mostly. I made a few healthy choices I felt proud of. I went out for my dad’s birthday dinner and really enjoyed myself. I took myself out for breakfast on Friday morning and enjoyed something completely delicious, a great coffee, and got some work done. I did feel slightly under the weather this week, maybe a little jetlagged, and not that compelled to eat a huge amount anyway which might have contributed to the easiness of food during those days, but whatever; I pretty much felt like a normal eater, largely, other than probably paying more attention to my eating habits than “normal” people do.

This weekend was weird by contrast. On Friday evening I went down to stay at my boyfriend’s house and on the evening I got there we went to the supermarket, and I was straight into a very strange, compulsive mood; a version of me from the past who’d manipulate my boyfriend into letting me get tons of unhealthy treats that both I and he knew I didn’t want. I ate quite a lot that evening, and didn’t feel great about it.

The next morning, after having two breakfasts instead of one (why? I’m not sure) I decided to weigh myself. Never a good idea. I weighed pretty much the same as six months ago, which was the last time I weighed myself. As it happens, I felt fine about the number I saw – I suppose its about what I might have predicted – but I’m disappointed that I weighed myself having felt so free and happy about the lack of numbers and scales in my life. It could have been a really upsetting or disruptive experience, so it’s just annoying that I chose to open myself to that possibility.

That evening we had a barbecue to celebrate my boyfriend’s birthday, and I was full after my burger and salad, but couldn’t pass up on the ice cream to go afterwards. It wasn’t that tasty, and I felt way too full afterwards. Shoulda listened to my hunger signals, but not a disaster, and I’m sure it’s not uncommon to overeat at parties. Today was sorta ok, sorta a bit weird food-wise, but not a disaster.

I’m a little surprised by how backwards my behaviour seemed to go on Friday evening, and then residually for the rest of the weekend. Things are changing in my relationship with my boyfriend – in fact, I think we might proceed as friends for now – and I knew that before I arrived. I wondered if I was reverting to (psychologically) unhealthy eating habits as a way of rebelling, or expressing my upset at the situation. It’s hard to work out. It seemed to very much hinge on my boyfriend’s presence, or our relationship – I acted in a way I surely wouldn’t alone. I suppose all I can do is see it as a lesson about how emotional a subject food can be, and how much our eating habits answer to our emotional lives.

As I said, I’m feeling low this evening. I just feel slightly adrift in life, like many things are changing but that I don’t have any of the same anchors I used to in my life. I haven’t built up enough of a life for myself, yet, to have anything to rest on while everything else seems restless. I’m moving from the UK to Argentina in 5 weeks time, and I feel a little daunted. I haven’t been meditating at all this week; I’m not sure how much of a difference it makes, but maybe some would help. I also think I’m in withdrawal from my medication (I stopped taking it at the end of June) and I fear not being able to cope, long-term, without it.

Ah, dear… I guess I just have to acknowledge this feeling, and try and sit with it, and give myself space and support to move through it productively. Here are my goals for this week:

– meditate. Even just a minute a day! If there’s a chance it’ll help, it’s worth doing.

– Give myself the chance to let my feelings out about my relationship and the other changes in my life, if I want. Encourage myself to feel.

– Try to listen to my hunger and fullness signals keenly, and respond to them with respect as much as possible.

I hope you all had a great week. I also hope that one day I have the energy to post more than a recap once a week! It’ll come… Maybe…