So here we go again: What I Ate Wednesday! Woke up with that hot, dry feeling in my mouth, so there wasn’t much I felt like eating. I tried to imagine what I’d like to eat ideally, and came up with this acai bowl, which I ate at 8.50am:
It was reeeally tasty. It was half a banana, a cup of frozen raspberries and blueberries, a drizzle of maple syrup, a spoonful of almond butter, a spoonful of baobab, a spoonful of acai, and some water, all blended up and poured over a little bit of granola underneath, and then topped with buckwheat, pecans and cacao nibs. I did really enjoy this, but I must confess I ate it in front of a TV program. I couldn’t help myself. Eating while watching is just an ultimate luxury or vice for me, and sometimes I can’t reason myself out of it. *sighs*
Anyway, the morning went on, and I noticed I still felt a little hungry. I was trying to give it some time, to see if the hunger passed, but also I guess I was slightly thinking “you shouldn’t/can’t be hungry, you just had this lovely elaborate breakfast, which has definitely been adequately filling in the past!” These kind of “should” thoughts are always something to look out for in recovery, I think; if we listen to our bodies attentively they might present all kinds of surprises, but it’s about respecting our needs and treating ourselves well. So, at 10.40am I finally relented (sorry to use such a moralising word, but that’s what it felt like at the time, despite my now seeing how silly that is!) and had this:
A favourite food of mine, peanut butter and sliced banana on toast. I shouldn’t have worried: this absolutely hit the spot and filled me up perfectly. I felt good, and fuelled, and enjoyed the toast, etc.
The day went on, and I went to a yoga class which was insanely physically demanding, MUCH more than I was expecting. I’m used to doing yoga quite a lot so to be way behind everyone else in the class as they popped up into handstands over and over was unusual for me, and a bit intimidating! The class ran on late and I left at about 2, feeling pretty hungry. On the walk home I really noticed how much I was thinking about food, all the different food possibilities, meals etc; I went into Tesco to buy some Ryvita Thins to go with some houmous I had as soon as I got home, and found myself really drawn to all the food in there. So funny how a biological mechanism like hunger can make you so sensitive to all the foods you see, when usually you might not notice them! Anyway, I finally got home, very hungry by this point, and put some lunch on to cook. In the meantime, I had this little plate to snack on: some Ryvita Thins with broad bean and mint houmous, at about 2.30pm:
It sounds silly but when I opened the brand new packet of Ryvitas and found them all shattered like this I felt really disappointed! Reminded me how much pressure I put on every eating experience to be perfect, and how present I need to be in moving on and not dwelling on those little disappointments… There’s always more food to come later!
I then cooked my food, and ate this plate at about 2.45pm:
Quinoa and kale stir-fried with garlic, a fried egg, some avocado, and some chilli sauce. It was quite nice, but not as good as I’d hoped; not flavourful enough, and all a bit similar tasting, maybe a little too salty. I managed to eat it without distractions but found it a little boring. Oh well – it was done quickly. Was contemplating adding something sweet at the end but eventually didn’t feel I needed anything.
I had a bunch of errands to do in the afternoon, so I didn’t get to have the snack I had been vaguely planning on, but it didn’t end up mattering at all; I didn’t find myself hungry. In the early evening I made my way over to a restaurant to meet my family for my Dad’s birthday meal!
I have a confession: my phone died and I couldn’t photograph any of it. I think this was actually for the best, though, as first of all me incessantly photographing might have been a bit strange or annoying for everyone else at the dinner, and also because it was very much a restaurant that brought out sharing dishes that everyone just picked at so it would have been impossible to photograph every morsel I ate! I’ll take you through it all anyway, though:
When I first got there I ordered a delicious non-alcoholic cocktail, which was made up of watermelon, blackberry, and some other delicious stuff. It was amazing. Once again, I was reminded how nice it is to be able to “drink some calories” if you feel like it. I didn’t feel like I wanted any alcohol, and that felt fine too, but the drink was fab and I felt thrilled to be drinking it.
Throughout the main meal, with dishes coming and going, I ate some edamame, some sesame spinach, some incredible roasted aubergine, some tempura sweetcorn, some awesome crispy tofu with citrusy leaves and avocado, some superbly rich mushrooms, and some grilled courgette with some kind of sweet, tarragony dipping sauce. It was all pretty sensational, and I made a conscious effort to put my chopsticks down every now and again, listening to the people I was talking to, enjoying the evening as well as just focussing on the food. I also had another mocktail during the course of the food, and it was a mix of green tea and passion fruit; so delicious, maybe even better than the first!
At the end of the dinner, my dad suggested dessert, and everyone seemed to be up for getting it so I just felt like going for it. I was full from the main course, but not uncomfortably so, and thought I could just order something and stop eating it when I was full. What arrived was one of the tastiest desserts I’ve ever had. It was green tea and banana cake with coconut ice cream and peanut sauce. It was presented unbelievably beautifully. It was, as I said, one of the tastiest puddings I’ve ever had, and I felt proud of myself, both for being able to order it without guilt, but also for being able to unreservedly share it with whoever asked for a bite. Everyone agreed it was incredibly tasty – my dad thought it was the best dessert out of all the ones we ordered! It was a great end to the evening.
There we have it! A day in the life of my eating. It all felt pretty good, and circumstance appropriate. One thing I was thinking, though, is that during lunchtime I noticed I was feeling a slight edge of restriction/oppression from the knowledge I was doing WIAW. I suddenly felt a little annoyed or rebellious that I’d have to put my food on my plate before eating it, and less like I could add a little bite of something here or there if I wanted. I guess my perfectionism started to rear its head a bit.
I think I might give WIAW a little break for a few weeks, as I want it to be a fun, informative experience for both myself and anyone reading the post, not something I am resentful of and eventually want to rebel against. The longer I’m in recovery, the more I realise that any kind of restriction, whether real or perceived, is eventually counterproductive.
Hope you’re having a good week so far – over and out!
Most Beautiful Lands 